Mirrors

I, like many people have a Facebook Page. I have very mixed emotions on Facebook but that is for another post, I am going to try and stay on point right now. At any rate there is this guy from the town I grew up in on my friend list, and like many of the people from my hometown, his name rings a faint bell off in the distance. I have no memories of him. I have a weird memory to say the least. It is like an onion, there are many layers, Some people I remember vividly others their names ring a bell and others it's like who the f? Well his name rings that bell I mentioned and that's pretty much it. So to get to the point off and on he has sent me little one or two line emails as if he were checking in? I am really not sure. I noticed one from him last week or so and got around to opening it today and he went on to tell me the reason he was writing is because he knows that I have been through hell and therefor should have an open mind and not judge him and he feels free to vent to me and went on doing just that.
I started to answer him, to divulge a little of myself to him, as my fingers were tapping the keys it occurred to me that I would rather blog about that than share it with someone who....(gotta love the back space button) at any rate I was going to tell him
Yes, my life has been an uphill climb. I have experienced every outcome in battle (yes even death, yet again another post) I have quite a few scars. I might look to you like I am strong, you may wonder how I ever had the strength to carry on? How did I live through all of this? .....Looks dear  are often deceiving . I have not always had the strength in fact  just the opposite. There were times I was so weak and without courage I tried to die, and there were times that others have tried to kill me. But it seems that I am in quite the quandary...wandering in no mans land. That place where life doesn't want you and death wont accept you and you are left alone with you, unable or unwilling ( maybe a bit of both) to go back where you came from, or to go down any road that's already been traveled yet dying to get back home....
It occurred to me that lately home is the last place as well as the only place that I want to be and that I am extremely lonely yet don't want to connect with anyone and am doing all that I can to push the person I live with away, out whatever...Its crazy to me how someone can go from everything you have ever wanted  and exactly what you needed to the one you cant live with but are afraid to live without?
I know. Look first into your own mirror, before you try showing up in someone elses........

why

Often times I find myself wondering why things are the way they are. What did I do to deserve this life? Am I paying Karma from a different lifetime or is it that I am catching the Karma my ancestors left? Or is it simply that life is fucking hard and I let my emotions run my mouth? I honestly think its a combination, life is hard, my ancestors were evil and I don't know when to shut my mouth. This picture is symbolic to me. It says shut up before I cut your tongue out! In reality it was taken a few Turkey Days back when my ex husband was too lazy to cut the turkey after I had cooked for 3 days, one of our guest mentioned that he should be cutting the turkey and I warned him nicely that he cant come sliding in at the last minute and  get credit for my hard work. Yes I know it was childish but hey I got a great picture out of it!
I've got a problem that I cant seem to solve, its human and its in the other room. I don't know how to get through to him and I'm tired of picking up where his mommy left off. I am not willing to put anymore of myself out there than I have already in fact  I'm recoiling, pulling back and shutting down. I am trapped behind the walls I erected to keep everyone out and I'm comfortable here. Thing is I am not comfortable with being comfortable here so I am going to change the direction of my ship, head out on a new course, choose a road I have never traveled and enjoy it to the fullest. No more misery lane I'm moving on up!

choices

I am sitting here thinking about life, my life in general. The choices I have made, the ripple effect of these choices and the fact that words spoken or in my case spewed cannot be unspoken.
It is really strange how the very same voice that can build up and support and encourage so many people is the very voice that destroys the vessel in which it resides. My motto is changing, my life I am rearranging and no longer am I willing to merely exists I am ready to live and live I am going to do. I don't have everything ironed out yet but I am well on my way to making some decision's that will charter the course for the rest of my life. So I am deliberately going slow and over thinking everything because I am tired of living in a self created prison when freedom is just on the other side of the walls that I have erected! Time to bring the old wrecking ball out and tear down some walls, let some sunshine in and begin the process of change. Its going to be a long ride but well worth the journey....so buckle up your seat belts and prepare yourselves for whatever may come, knowing who you are following there is no telling where this may go

Don't tell me you can't overdose on medical marjuana!

First of all let me make this clear I am NOT against medicinal use, I am a 215 patient, just an extremely fucked up one at the moment, beyond feeling good vomited spins..... ugh Ill get  back to you....
Ok so I started eating edibles a few years back because I wasn't in a situation that  allowed me to smoke my medicine without offending others and I aim to harm none so instead of getting smoke at the club I would get a tincture or some brownies. The tincture tasted too much like alcohol and the brownies were kinda good but not like mine so I set out to cook my own. I have made allot of cool off the wall stuff spiked with my medicine, but I forgot and ate too many brownies one time and literally thought I was going to die so after that experience I couldn't not even think about eating one but my friends with their 215 love my medicine so I would always make it for others and smh when they rant and rave and tell me how good it is how great they felt, that /this does not feel good to me at all. I am just now able to old my head up and still feel horrible and I only liked the spoon a few times while making the penis cake and again when making the penis candy....so like four spoon licks... I do cook all my bases differently and longer than  most people and I prefer to use bud in my butters, oils ,tinctures, flours etc. Now I understand why they all want my stuff. I need to tone down the strength somehow.... BUT FUCK YES YOU CAN OD ON WEED VE DONE IT TWICE